- Updates by Goda

Stand-up comedy: When a single person gets onto stage with nothing other than a microphone and an attitude and bares their soul to an unsuspecting audience. Often confused with theatre.
Note: Also spelled "standup" comedy, and "stand up" comedy. This is not a problem.

NEW TERMS!

Bergie: Homeless person in Cape Town. Funnier than most people with houses. Term originates from Berg, which means "mountain" - where homeles people are supposed to camp out. Actually, they usually live in the city areas, where there's shelter, food, and booze.

Dooswyn: A great double meaning. "Doos" is Afrikaans for both "box" and "cunt". Dooswyn is box wine, which is usually quite cheap. It turns most people into cunts if they drink enough of it. *(Even good wine is cheap in South Africa, but dooswyn is really cheap.)

A - Z

Africans: Anyone of any race, creed or colour who intends staying in Africa. Does not include black people who've never lived here. Sorry guys.

African time: However long we feel like taking. Related to "just now".

Al Prodgers: Pro Stand-up comedian who, unusually, can also act and plays the part of a camp gay guy on the soapie Generations. He can handle almost any crowd given some money, at least 20 minutes and a microphone. Very Jo'burg, very smooth, often bitter, always funny. White, male, fairly left of center. PC Value="undetermined" - lefties don't all get it. Website here.

AWB: Short of Afrikaner Weerstandingsbeweging. A neo-fascist organisation of conservatives who want a return to the very dark days of Apartheid.

Brendon Burns: Clever Australian, and therefore confusing to most. For the Mail and Guardian: Male, crass. Highly fuckable. See archived Smirnoff pics.

Danger Zone: Smirnoff Comedy Fest venue. Much like the Main Arena, except it's called the Danger Zone. See archived Smirnoff pics.

Doos: Pronounced like "Koos" or "worse". It means box, but it actually gets used as an insulting term like "poes" (see below.) But you don't say "jou ma se doos".

Eugene Terre'Blanche: AWB Leader. Rides a horse when he isn't falling off it. Jailed for only a year for beating - and crippling - a black petrol attendant. Also known as E.T.

Gag hag: Same as fag hag, except they do fuck, and when they say they like a man with a sense of humour they really mean it. Basically, groupies for comedians.

Gina Yashere: A PC wet dream: Black and female. Hooray! For the rest of us, this is unimportant (see "Storming"). See archived Smirnoff pics.

Hansie Cronje: South African cricket captain, who really upset South Africans by selling information to bookies - and partially, most people believe, "fixing" some matches.

Headliner: The comedian who appears last and therefore sticks the most in the audience's mind. Great to do it in a theatre, but really shit in a strip club.

Hymen: Also known as "the cherry" as in "I popped her cherry." Features in a routine by Mark Sampson.

Jo Jo Smith: If you work for the Mail and Guardian, she's white, but female, and therefore politically acceptable. If you're from any other paper, she's fat and British. If you're a human being, she's fucking funny. See archived Smirnoff pics.

John Falcow: White, tanned Los Angeles based South African surfer boy. If you made a documentary of his life it would be a porno. If you made a video of his act, it would be confiscated. See archived Smirnoff pics.

John Fealey: Quiet and unegocentric offstage. Cynical on. Sometimes balances a coke can on his head offstage. Great compè. See archived Smirnoff pics.

Jo'burg Bar: Drinking hole populated by trendy, unemployed fuckheads with too much of their parents disposable income. Great for sundowners. Otherwise, vile.

Kaffir: What E.T. probably called the guy he beat up to the point of braindamage. An insulting term for a black person. Most Euro dictionaries still say "A Xhosa speaking person of Southern African origin", but fuck that.

Marc Lottering: Probably one of the top 5 SA comedy acts. Very prolific, he does comedy theatre rather than straight standup these days. Still just as funny, and original. He's "made it" - his shows all sell out, his video is selling well - and works on TV, and both in SA and overseas. Visit www.marclottering.com
Original glossary entry: "One of the best and least appreciated Pro SA standup acts. He's Cape Town through and through, but would kill anywhere where a smattering of Afrikaans was spoken. He's done quite a few one-man shows and is completely original." (1999).

Main Arena: Much like the Danger Zone except it's called the Main Arena. See archived Smirnoff pics.

Mark Sampson: Blonde dreadlocked staple MC of the Cape Comedy Collective who used to be a street performer. Discovered a few years ago that he could make far less money doing standup, but enjoy himself more. See pics.

Martin Davis: Crowd pleaser to the max. White (very), British, male.
PC Value = 0. See archived Smirnoff pics.

MC: Master of Ceremonies. The person who warms up the crowd so that the first act doesn't have to waste time asking the audience if they're having a good time tonight over and over again. It's a thankless job and takes as much talent as guts.

Mel Miller: The Godfather of South African comedy. 'Nuff said.

Michael Atherton: Cheating Limey fuckhead. Sorry, Roger.

New Faces: Patronising term for lesser known comics. Also a venue in the Baxter during the festival where World Online do their social responsibility PR. See archived Smirnoff pics.

Northern Suburbs: Suburbs North of central Cape Town. Completely untrendy, flat, suburbia with the odd pub. Audiences generally prefer nob jokes told by white men, but there's occasionally a metal fan languishing in the back of the pub who saves the day by knowing what a hymen is.

Obs Type: A resident or would-be or ex resident of Observatory, a commune suburg in Cape Town. Usually is or would like to be at University, has relatively rich relatives and does some drugs. Dress varies from biker to yuppie (those who bought houses thinking the area was on the up). Many drink Black Label. They make an excellent (if overly forgiving) audience and appreciate left wing humour. Refer to Armchair Theatre pics

Poes: Sort of like "cunt", but used more flexibly. Can also be used like "fuck". Or simply to mean "very" as in "poes poor", meaning "very poor". Also used in the local phrase, "Jou ma se poes" meaning "your mother's poes."

"Reverse" racism: Racism directed at whites, or that allows people of previously disadvantaged races a bit of a break. Often confused with Affirmative Action.

Roger Monkhouse: British, bald, never stops talking. But that's OK, because he is easily one of the most insightful, intelligent people you're likely to meet. And he takes no prisoners, so don't say anything stupid near his barstool. Great guy. See archived Smirnoff pics.

Scab: Anyone who steals a gig by undercutting the booked act on the night. Example: Craig "all-blacks-are-kaffirs" Mischief.

SAfricans: South Africans, but it saves time to omit the "South"

Smirnoff: A loose referral, to the Smirnoff International Comedy Festival, which roadshows SA in October every year. A breeding ground for British-SAfrican tentions, great comedy, a lot of parties. Can take a lot of credit for educating SAfricans as to what standup comedy actually is.

Southern Suburbs: Suburbs in the rainbelt under table Mountain leading towards the Southern Peninsula. Populated by middle class english-speaking families, who bring up rich children who can't drive and would like to be/sleep with the bouncer at any club they're too young to get in to. Most of them end up going into medicine, marketing, law or business. Includes venues such as Sirens and Billy the Bum's. See pics.

Storming: Killing, destroying, annihilating, ripping. Strangely enough, these are all good things. It means making the audience laugh. A lot.