What drove you to choose comedy, when you could have been a mechanic or a doctor or something decent like that?
I keep telling everyone, I didn't choose comedy. I was going to be a serious actor, a craftsmen, like the guys on Egoli… but then these lesbians arrived at my parents home at midnight, they were wearing Spar T-shirts and they dragged me off in a black mariah to the headquarters of the Brotherhood of the YUK. While I mewled and puked in terror, they clamped me down and stapled a steel wool goatee beard to my chin. Then it was too late, I was given the blood of a Barry Manilow fan, shunned by society, and the rest is history.

What's your favorite fashion accessory?
My penis ring that holds a tiny sculpture of the voortrekker monument. It's a wonderful way to give something back to a significant part of our past.

Has the way you look affected your identity as a comic?
Not really, I look the way I do, and I do what I do, it's never really bothered me to have to find a connection. I suppose being short does have something to do with being full of shit, and living in the big smoke tends to keep me jumpy.

Are there things you wouldn't say on stage? Eg, any words you'd never use or subjects you'd never tackle?
Yeah, I don't do funny stuff about: rape, child molestation or genocide… I do mention them, but only to try and raise awareness, I'll spend about 20 minutes on this interview, in that time there'll be about 40 rapes in this country… you tell me if there's anything funny in that.

Who is your major influence? And your major South African influence?
I've got lots of influences, Patricia Lewis, Dr Zuma, Bhudda, Rev Tony Leon, Papa Smurf and Dawn Lindberg.

Is there any figure from your past that you'd like to see in your audience?
Just the poor, pathetic government school fuckwits who thought they had any real power when they told me I was just a fool. Thing is, they were right, but at least I get to live an interesting life with an open mind rather than go home and wank over the beatings I gave young boys for not taking me seriously.

What would you do to them or for them?
Nothing, I'd just like them to see that if only they'd raised their eyes above the shit they were told to believe, they could have chosen to live in the brave new world.

What's lacking from South African comedy, or audiences, that it remains such a small scene?
The comedy scene is not small…. Leon Schuster's last movie made more people laugh than any other film here ever… the moment we see the comedy scene as only what we're doing, we've lost the bigger picture and respect for our business. Comedy is more universal than any one language or social climate… Mr Bean global video sales have reached over 13 million units, some of them sold in places we can't even pronounce… our scene is a baby, but babies grow up.

Do you think all South Africans can all laugh at the same joke at the same time. What kind of joke would it be?
No… some jokes that get applause in Fourways get death threats in Durban, believe me.

Do you ever steal jokes?
What's the point of getting up on stage and doing someone else's act, that's like a band doing covers to get by… I'm not even talking about the person you're stealing from, I'm talking about the thief… I mean when he goes to bed at night, he's not a comic, he's just sad little tracer. We can't build an industry without integrity, sure your material can overlap and certain topics will illicit similar gags, but…. What was the question again? Oh, um, no.

Would you sell your material?
No, refer to the above.

Which internationally renowned comic would you most like to work with? What would you do to him/her?
Eddie Izzard, or Dave Attel. I wouldn't do anything to them, I'd just like to be on the same line-up. I supported Steve Wright when he was here. It's a just really an honour to meet them and watch them work.

What's the most embarrassing death you've ever seen another comic die on stage? (names not necessary) Describe the incident, and how you felt.
I cringe every time I see someone die, largely because I know my next one is only a matter of time. For me, half the battle of stand-up is learning how to die with grace. It's horrible to watch, especially when you know exactly how it feels.

Where would you like to live when you retire - if ever?
Des and Dawn Lindberg's house.

How funny do you Really think you are?
Oh, fuck off, I mean really.

Will you matter 50 years after you're dead? Will it matter to you?
No. No.

What's the interview question you'd most like to be asked, and what is the answer?
Q: What makes you tick?
A: Love, artichokes and my Sony Playstation.

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